Found it!

dashbeard:

sugaronastick:

sissydudeomen2:

mmmmmmmm…

dealbreaker:

GUESTBREAKER: You Cried About The Civil Rights Movement During The First Ten Minutes Of Our Date

Listen, I am super down with the civil rights movement and that it happened, but when we are casually waiting for a table on our first date, and you literally cry tears while talking about it, my penis sort of falls off and breaks in half.

Why would you bring this up on minute one of our first date? Literally MINUTE ONE. I hadn’t even pretended to be interested in how many siblings you have yet. We hadn’t even done those boring, obligatory “when did you come out to your parents?” snooze-questions. Yet here you are crying to me about the civil rights movement. At one point, with tears welling up in your eyes, you said verbatim, “They just marched so much longer and harder than they ever teach you about in school.” Then you cried. I looked around for hidden cameras, thinking I was on a prank show, but I was not.

And granted, you WERE making fair points about the civil rights movement, but why here? And why now? And WHY ARE YOU CRYING?  What made you think, “You know what will start this date off with a bang? Quiet crying. There’s nothing sexier than a skinny white Jew in an ironic hipster t-shirt crying about civil rights.”

And finally, you mentioned that you had just read up about all of this earlier today, even though today is a Saturday and you are not in school. What were you doing in a library? What’s going on? I thought it was common knowledge that Saturday afternoons are for masturbating.

You’re weird,
Chris

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Chris Kelly.

dealbreaker:

DEALMAKER: You Brought Cupcakes To Work

What do you mean, “there are cupcakes in the break room?” How can you be so casual about this? Literally this is the high point of my week. Maybe even my month! SHIT, CUPCAKES? Are you fucking with me? What kind? A wide variety? AMAZING! Although, I bet I’ll get stuck with some crumbly little runt that no one wanted. OH- there’s enough for everyone to have TWO??? AHHHH! This almost makes the entire job worthwhile! I mean, I was about to quit. I literally had my finger on my mouse, ready to hit “send” on an email announcing my 2 weeks notice. You think I’m kidding? Listen, it doesn’t take much to make me happy, and if I can’t get a little more paid vacation, or even half a chance at a promotion, I’ll take a cupcake. It’s a little piece of perfection that fits in my hand and takes me away to a world where I am the frosting king. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go eat my weight in funfetti and laugh about how funfetti is actually a REAL thing that exists! It’s the small victories (and the small, individually frosted cakes) that make life worth living.

mattchew03:

She’s so enamoring.

dealbreaker:

lindsaykatai:

DEALMAKER: You Have a Beard

Perhaps it is written into my lady DNA from centuries past. Whatever the reason: if you have a beard, I am 50% more likely to bone you. If you’re doing even one other thing right, your odds are now stupid favorable. Without even trying, your beard makes me think you have good taste in music, that your schlubby clothes are indie rock cool, and that you have the air of a potent, but gentle lover. Let’s do this, Mountain Man.

Yeah. I won’t be marrying soon…

Fruit flavored fortune cookies??